Cave Story R.I.P. Off

Posted by Derek Yu Mon, 08 Oct 2007 02:33:00 GMT

Cave Story R.I.P. Off

In the year 3089, humanity receives a weak distress signal from beyond the Outer Rim… alien contact! The space station BALROG-1 is deployed to investigate, with Captain Meat “Meat Train” Sakamoto at the helm. Leading the science team is the famed biologist / paleoscientist Doctor Ezekial Nimbus.
Upon reaching the Outer Rim the crew discovers that the signal was from a wrecked alien vessel, empty save for a mysterious artifact – an ancient alien helmet with a strange “eye” design etched on the front. A malevolent power emanates from within the helmet… what could it mean? The Doctor, against the wishes of Captain Sakamoto, brings it aboard for “research purposes.”
That’s when all hell breaks loose.

American developer Voxel brings Cave Story to life in this balls-to-the-wall action-packed extravaganza of extremity and violence! You are Billy Bob “Quote” Johnson, the amnesiac space marine, imprisoned within BALROG-1 for disobeying your superiors. And now you’re the only thing standing between humanity and the terrible Mimiga Virus that has transformed your platoon into an army of bloodthirsty rabbit cyborgs!

Features:

- Hyper-realistic, cutting-edge 3D graphics. You’ll definitely be able to tell what these characters are supposed to be!

- Hardboiled story told lovingly through 200+ hours of dialogue. Featuring the voices of Catherine Zeta Jones as Lieutenant Fenix “Curly” Brace, and Samuel L. Jackson as “Meat Train” Sakamoto.

- Over 50 totally hardcore weapons, from King’s Vibro-Blade to the Nemesis Multi-Bazooka!

- Go online with your friends or play Deathmatch at home! Our unprecedented “BALL0S AI” crafts personalized insults by scanning your e-mails!

- State-of-the-art physics engine will molest your CPUs and PPUs as it accurately calculates the physics of EVERYTHING. Sweat has never been more realistically flicked off individual strands of hair!

- Soundtrack by Linkin Park.

Posted in , ,  | Tags  | 60 comments

Comments

  1. kt said 40 minutes later:

    I loled

  2. Mr E said 44 minutes later:

    wow… almost, but not quite, not the least bit funny.

  3. DrDerekDoctors said about 1 hour later:

    Want. Now. ;)

  4. Derek said about 1 hour later:

    N’yuk n’yuk n’yuk! :D

  5. Dave said about 2 hours later:

    Sorry but that was utterly unfunny, you wasting your time on shit like that is probably the reason Aquaria isn’t out yet.

  6. Wrestlevania said about 2 hours later:

    I’ve just spent a whole 2:37 minutes reading and rereading that post, hunting for the download link! Gimme!!! ;)

  7. Alexander said about 2 hours later:

    this picture stresses me out. i don’t know why, but it does.

  8. FireSword said about 2 hours later:

    In our galaxy there is a huge ‘hole’, thousands of light-years empty, no stars, no planets, nothing…

    Can u face the evil? Buy Master of Orion 4! lol

  9. Prio said about 3 hours later:

    I’d hit that, but only if the graphics and game have flair and charm beyond their technical intensity.

    And only if King is voiced by that guy from gladiator.

  10. papamook said about 3 hours later:

    oh man this is classic tigs.

    voxel! :D :D :D

  11. tempest said about 3 hours later:

    UNDERSIDE RIPOFF D:

  12. ahayweh said about 3 hours later:

    :) Good times

  13. The Understory said about 4 hours later:

    Needs more bloom.

  14. moon_rabbits said about 4 hours later:

    @alexander: i know what you mean D:

  15. PeterM said about 5 hours later:

    Nice!

  16. Chris L said about 5 hours later:

    Starring Ron Pearlman as Quote…

    Seriously, anyone who did not laugh at this, probably needs to lighten up and remember you are reading TIG and not CNN.

  17. Golds said about 6 hours later:

    That Cave Story art critique from Gametunnel is such an Impression, Sunrise moment.

  18. basara said about 6 hours later:

    It made my cry when I realized it was a hoax :’<

  19. Movius said about 7 hours later:

    graphics? well la di da Mr. Frenchman!

  20. Not Sure said about 7 hours later:

    Hi, is there a larger version of this image I can have? it would make for a great desktop.

  21. Melly said about 7 hours later:

    MULTI-KILL

  22. JP said about 7 hours later:

    <3 <3 <3

  23. Carlz0r said about 7 hours later:

    I, too, would like a high-res version of this picture.

  24. Trailer said about 7 hours later:

    “I tried so haarrrrrrrrdd…”

  25. BenH said about 7 hours later:

    QUAD DAMAGE

  26. Shih Tzu said about 8 hours later:

    Hahaha wut

  27. X_Sheep said about 8 hours later:

    Where is Curly on that screenshot

  28. Trailer said about 8 hours later:

    I think she’s the fugly short haired giant boobed thing behind fatty Quote.

  29. I Like Cake said about 9 hours later:

    Yeah, Derek, if you hadn’t spent five minutes writing this update – five precious minutes that could have been used working on Aquaria, you’d probably already be done Aquaria 2 and 3 (total estimated development time: five minutes).

    Leisure time, Derek? Next you’ll be wanting breaks for sleep and regular meals.

  30. Guy1 said about 9 hours later:

    Lame.

  31. Dave said about 10 hours later:

    I Like Cake:

    He may have spent five minutes writing the update, but how long do you think he spent drawing that picture, mugface.

  32. BMcC said about 10 hours later:

    Happy Columbus Day everyone!

    Except for you, Dave. You are dumb.

  33. Guy1 said about 10 hours later:

    10 mins?

  34. Tr00jg said about 10 hours later:

    lol, BMcC, you are such a “mugface”… whatever that is.

  35. Dave said about 10 hours later:

    I’ll tell you what a “mugface” is, if you explain what a “Tr00jg” is.

  36. BMcC said about 10 hours later:

    Hah hah, Dave is alright.

  37. Tr00jg said about 10 hours later:

    “Tr00jg” is a blend of Trojan and Scrooge. Thus I am a sneaky greedy man.

  38. colorFool said about 10 hours later:

    Yeah, damn, that might even add up to half an hour! What where you thinking, Derek? Get your sorry arse back to work! whipslash

  39. Dave said about 10 hours later:

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mugface

    “1. An adjective to describe a person with mug-like features, or who has just done something which is clearly stupid.

    “Oi, you, stop impersonating an ambulance. This is a Church. You Mugface.””

  40. Stij said about 11 hours later:

    Wow, I can’t believe Derek spent mintues, MINUTES of his time making this picture, when he could have doing something valuble like churning out Aquaria 1 through 15.

    That jerk!

  41. Joseph said about 11 hours later:

    wtf the scientist is from Halflife lol

  42. Advenith said about 11 hours later:

    Trailer, Quote’s not fat. That’s just cyborg-parts. His belly holds… EXPERIENCE!

  43. BMcC said about 11 hours later:

    Go back to Swindon, Dave.

    And brush your teeth for once in your life.

  44. Verz said about 11 hours later:

    This should be made! It’d work great with the Source engine.

  45. Jad said about 12 hours later:

    I’m utterly dissappointed. This is the greatest game never made. :(

  46. JP said about 13 hours later:

    I think I’ve figured out why I like this idea so much.

    It basically says, “Dear mainstream industry: we’re laughing at you, not with you.”

  47. Kale said about 13 hours later:

    Ugh… they look like Unreal Tournament characters. And no, that is not a good thing.

    Gameplay > Tri-voxel shaded bip bumping.

  48. King-N said about 14 hours later:

    Agh, it’s been bomerman’d.

    _<

  49. Karzon said about 14 hours later:

    That picture is utterly disturbing. If someone actually made this (hopefully without the Linkin Park soundtrack, unless it was just “My December” on loop), I’d play it.

  50. Breaking said about 15 hours later:

    In related news, the city of Swindon has reported an unprecedented shortage of monocles.

  51. H.A.L said about 16 hours later:

    I’m sorry Derek, I am not funny.

  52. papamook said about 17 hours later:

    dave, derek just told me this took him 6 weeks to complete, the text box taking up about 80% of that time!

    boycott aquaria to show your anger at him

  53. Zulgaines said about 18 hours later:

    If only there was some way to ban Dave from playing Aquaria when it actually is finished that would be just, well, just wonderfully funny.

  54. Jayjayjuhwetplane said about 19 hours later:

    IM GONNA GO LISTEN TO LINKIN PARK

  55. Oddity said about 20 hours later:

    Welcome. I am Ballos.

    Ages upon ages ago, for fear of enduring further C|-|33P V!@GRa, I allowed my magic to run wild…The HUGE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY–BUY NOW!! became such that even its master’s Nigerian political refugees could not control it…

    …

    …now, forward this chain letter! Or I…shall forward YOU!!

    (Cue Linkin Park.)

  56. Prio said about 20 hours later:

    but how long do you think he spent drawing that picture

    Considering that any idjit can see that that’s a screenshot of a slapadash Unreal Tournament modification, and is not, in fact, “drawn” by any human, that question is pretty mugfaced.

  57. Sergio said about 23 hours later:

    I want a Vibro-Blade for Xmas!

  58. eobet said 1 day later:

    I don’t get it.

  59. Calanctus said 1 day later:

    Why are Mr E and Dave such terrible people? :(

  60. Butzo said 1 day later:

    Did you write this for the excuse of saying “balls-to-the-walls”?

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